5am
I'm shocked and happy to wake at 5. French press, open windows, check weather.
5:30
2nd cup of coffee and ezekiel toast. Pray, meditate, journal.
6:30
Walk & water. The east coast is sad summer is ending and I can't wait for it to be over.
8am
Oats, blueberries, banana for breakfast.
Go back out in the garden and harvest some basil and tomatoes and do a little pruning.
10am
Yoga, and not my favorite kind.
11:30am
Back home and pretty hungry and nothing I have sounds good but I can't bear to waste food so tomato, basil sandwich on toasted sourdough. Juicy peaches for dessert. Wash up.
2pm
I'm reading a book called Lost and Found by Geneen Roth. I'd link it but I cannot find a copy for sale even on Amazon. So maybe check the library. But anyway it's a fascinating true story about a woman who lost all her money in the Bernie Madoff scandal. The part that got me was when she found out she'd lost all her money and called her friend to tell her and the friend said, "oh thank God you didn't loose anything of value."
3pm
Wound up falling asleep while reading. That happens. I had dreams of Larry and when I woke I was overcome with sadness. That happens. I'm learning to sit with that sadness as opposed to shopping, eating or whatever-ing it away. This is just reality.
5pm
Dinner is leftover frozen pizza and a huge salad. Wash up and prep breakfast for tomorrow. Meeting friends later and am quite happy about that.
7pm
Meet with friends and laugh/cry and feel so much better.
9pm
The thing I've been craving all day, my bath. A good soak is what I need.
10pm
Fall asleep to the gentle hum of the fan.
Daily Total - $0
Janet, I remember when I worked for Hospice & we would tell our grieving families that they needed to be "present" in their grief or it would come back to hit them even harder later on. That sure seems like what you are doing & I think your peaceful routine is giving you a serene atmosphere in which to work through your healing. It sounds like you have support from friends too which is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteWe will probably never meet, but I feel like you are a dear friend & I care about you & what you are going through. (I tried posting yesterday but could not get it to accept my Google account!!)
Am enjoying your daily posts so much! I had to laugh the other day (sorry!) when you mentioned you were a bit envious of your friend's home purchase of the darling Victorian! Do you know how many out there probably envy your living in your darling cottage?!!
Sending you lots of love & a big hug. You have such a beautiful, gentle spirit that is an inspiration to so many of us. Katie from Huntington Beach
Janet I love your routine...it makes me want to slow down more and live more presently in the moment.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this inspiring series of posts.
I second that!
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ReplyDeleteI love Geneen Roth. Her books on money, food and God really speak to me. I read them at a point in my life when I had a pretty significant reversal of fortune. Her words stayed with me. Your words inspire me too. I hope you have a lovely weekend. Xx
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry a little, but I am so grateful that you are wisely taking things in their own time. I know that I will remember your words the next time I am going through something hard.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your grief and sadness. This time is naturally an intense period; and the daily rhythms you have in place will surely help you to ride the waves of sorrow. I know what you mean by dreaming and waking; it can be devastating all over again. So glad you have close friends to provide solace. Thank you for writing these daily, honest pieces.
ReplyDeleteJanet I have been a lurker on your blog for a long time and this is my first comment. First I would like to give my heartfelt condolences on the passing of your beloved Larry. I can not conceive of such loss and grief. I have experienced loss and grief but not from someone I love or am especially close to, not yet anyway. When I came across your blog I really enjoyed your approach to living simply and modestly and that motivated me to do something I have always desired, to live minimally and yes, simply too. I knew I was a bit discontent regarding emotions and that some of my daily actions were greatly influenced by them and found myself impulsively shopping for things I really didn't need or even want. But reading your blog about how you approach the simplicity of living and accessing some of the links you provided really helped me to create a pathway to a simpler way to be and live. I am now thoughtfully planning my single meals, organizing my home with only the essential items I really need. I actually take pride in going for a few to three days without spending any money, and I find myself coming home to a house that is minimal and peaceful after a hectic day of teaching. I also see more clearly the connection between emotional distress and my spending habits. So now when I feel the impulse to shop I take a moment to go inward and assess what is it I am feeling and I replace shopping with dog walking or a visit to the gym. I retire in a few years and adopting the premise of living simply and smartly based on finances allows me to go into my retirement future with a bit more calm and a little less anxiety. So thank you for your blog, your openness and your honestly. Your blog is a treat and save it for days off when I can sit in the quiet of my day and sip on some tea.
ReplyDeleteDonna.
So nice to find your daily posts in the inbox... reading them makes me feels like I'm listening to the steady tick of an old pendulum clock, soothing and welcoming. I think having a routine is so important, no matter one's circumstances. But having a routine when dealing with loss is even more important. It is a life saver.
ReplyDeleteYou asked about other shows to watch... has anyone told you that you resemble an actress who stars in a series called 'Outlander'--you do! Past seasons are on Netflix... it is addictive and so well done. Lots of episodes beg. w/ season one : ) Debbie
As I read the other comments I find that we are all somewhat on the same page, though not always in the same situation. Learning to live alone without my sweet husband of 48 years hasn't been easy, but it has now been 7 years since he died & I have come to realize that I can now recognize contentment in my life. There are still waves of grief, which also drive home once again the permanency of my loss. But if I am at home, I allow myself to cry if I feel like it, or just be quiet & think about things. My escape is projects & work of all kinds in & outside my cabin. There is plenty to keep me busy.
ReplyDeleteIf there is anything I can learn from you it is to slow down more & be in the moment. I have always liked to be busy & sometimes it is as bad as other kinds of indulgences. My sister-in-law, retired counselor, keeps telling me to start to take care of Anita. It isn't always easy to do after years of being programmed in the opposite direction. But I am trying...& porch time with my dogs & a book at the end of the day is my indulgence.
Anita ~ the cabin on the creek
...all is grace!
Janet, just one more day. I'm going to miss this.
ReplyDeleteI have been enjoying your journal entries; please don't stop! There is a soothing pace to your words and the everyday moments of life are worth jotting down and sharing.
ReplyDeleteJanet
ReplyDeleteYou could turn these post , snippets into a book. I learn something everyday. The comments are worthy , too. I feel like I am on that white sofa of yours watching and talking with you.Not in a creepy way, duh! I like very forward to your day.The not a lurkers comments were right on. We all feel your pain , there is a genuine connection here when one opens your pages.
"Thank God you didn't lose anything of value."
ReplyDeleteprose to ponder
http://a-woman-of-a-certain-age.com/
Hi Janet, I read excerpts of that book and I believe it was Geneen and her husband who lost their money to Madoff. I am now re-reading her book "When you feel like eating, pull a chair up to the refrigerator". It sounds like a diet book but it is really a book about being beautiful. Some of my favorite quotes are from that book on living beautifully. You are doing great young lady! And you will be fine despite what you have been through.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of sitting with your grief instead of fighting it or trying to distract yourself from it. Even 10 years later after the loss of my oldest son, I still find myself trying to distract myself from the waves of grief that come up. It's very hard to accept and be with sometimes.
ReplyDeleteJanet- you know how you feel about dreading the end of Veep? Well, that's how I feel about only one more day left of your daily posts!! I am enjoying these so much, learning from you and all the wonderful people who comment. I am so very very sorry for your grief. Glad you have the support and companionship of others, but saddened that you are without your beloved Larry. Heard this saying awhile ago and find myself saying it to myself when I am struggling "life is tough darling, but so are you."
ReplyDeleteJanet, I am sorry so that you are going through a hard time missing your husband. I am grateful for the time and effort you put into this blog and hope that it helps even a little. Like so many other commenters, I have been enjoying your daily entries and hate to see it end. They are very soothing and inspirational all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteOnly one more day?! Oh, now I'm sad. I guessed I missed that. Your posts have been a few moments of respite in my busy days. I see the email announcing your post in my inbox, but wait to read it till I can savor every bit. I hope you've enjoyed our comments even a fraction of how much we've enjoyed yours.
ReplyDeleteI too had dreams of my late husband, and would wake up crying when I realized it was true after all - he was gone. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I was told that the only way to get past it was to go through it, and they were right. You're so wise and brave to know that sitting with it is best. I tried to speed it up, but that only makes it take longer. I'm so glad you have dear friends, with whom to share tears and hugs.
Janet . . . grief surely has an uncanny way of jumping out from behind corners when one is least expecting it. A dear childhood friend of mine lost her husband two plus years ago. For that first difficult year that followed, she wrote about grieving and their marriage in her weekly local newspaper column. Last fall, she published a compilation of the articles, Half of Every Couple: When Death Ends a Marriage - a story of love, loss, and Maine. It is my hope that the daily accounts you have written and shared this week will benefit you as much as they clearly have your readers.
ReplyDeleteYou live your very human and imperfect life perfectly. You are an inspiration. I really, really admire you. I have for several years but even more so nowadays.
ReplyDeleteThe art of sitting with something is a real gift, and it does take practice. I like to think of it as another aspect of my yoga practice -- being still and really feeling it. Grief is a tough one, but it's also part of a connection to those we love. I lost my only brother last year, and sometimes my sister-in-law and I need to reach out to one another because we can be honest about our deep sadness, knowing it will lighten somewhat as time goes on, and not feel like we have to protect one another from it.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving these daily posts! and am in awe at the way you are balancing your alone time and being with dear friends. That's something I strive to achieve, as an introvert.
sending hugs.
Thank you for the wonderful insights and inspiration. I look forward to this every day!
ReplyDeleteHere's a quote that, for me, speaks to sitting with your grief: "The best way out is always through." – Robert Frost. One thing I find sometimes is that people who have not been through a significant loss cannot understand how very long the process is - it's really never ending while at the same time there is forward progress. "To those who understand, no explanation is necessary; to those who don't understand, no explanation is sufficient." I'm happy to hear that you have people in your life that are a support for you - and that this blog also is a comfort.
ReplyDeleteI too would love to see you continue with this series! Both of my parents are gone and My brother. My Mother was my best friend, she passed in 1999! I still miss her everyday. You mentioned as well as a commenter that you dream of Larry. I was once told that it is the person who passed coming to you to let you know he is still there with you and is okay. This has always bothered me as I have had only one brief dream of my Mother since she passed. I often pray to dream of her, as well as consciously thinking of her as I fall asleep and nothing! While dreaming of Larry upsets you, I believe it is also a path to healing. I know I would wake up crying if I dreamt of Mother, but just to see her would be so special. Maybe this will help you in some way. I so very much love your blog. Reading about your days comfort me.
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