monday blues

Hi.  It's monday and I'm wearing old blue jeans, old blue shirt and these boots.  No thinking involved.

Thank you all for your amazingly honest and many heartbreaking comments on my last post.  I feel so vulnerable putting my (our) story out there.  I almost wish I hadn't but see in the comments that many of you are going thru similar heart wrenching journeys.  I'm overwhelmed by your raw honesty and openness.  The overarching theme is that life is painful but we have to keep going.  Not running but walking through it, feeling it as best we can.  There is no timeline and life will unfold as it should.

In other news I've agreed to have Thanksgiving here.  So November should be full of holiday things...x

on grief

My grief began before my husband passed away, it began at his diagnosis.  Today is the 6 mo mark of him passing away so I've been grieving now for 1 year and 8 months.  When I see that face up there I want to cry bc I miss it so much.  Prior to his diagnosis his only symptom was heartburn.  He was the fittest man I've ever known.  He was a natural born athlete and excelled at every sport imaginable.

You see the night of his diagnosis he was very out of it bc he'd been sedated most of the day while he underwent testing.  He was awake but not fully aware when the doctor came into his room at midnight and told us he had what appeared to be 4th stage esophageal cancer that had spread to his liver and lymph nodes.  I was devastated but he did not hear that, or maybe he did, I don't know.  My guess is no bc the next morning he said aren't you glad you didn't tell the kids I was in the hospital?  I don't have cancer but we'll figure out what's wrong with me.  I held the diagnosis secret, not telling anyone, for over a month until we went to the oncologist for the official review of tests.  At that point that was the longest month I'd ever experienced.  But tbh not much changed when he received the diagnosis.  He knew he had cancer with a minuscule chance of survival but he never once thought he wouldn't beat it.  Even while on hospice he never not once thought he was dying.  This was really good and hard at the same time.  It was a complete denial of reality that he lived in and I was sort of living in it too only I could see his reality.  The doctors and nurses could see it.  Everyone closely related could see it but most everyone began to believe he'd beat it bc he was adamant, strong and fought so fucking hard.

Most days were unbearable watching him suffer so much.  I withdrew from almost everything and everyone in my life which is not a good idea.  But I was just doing the best I could.  The last month was brutal, absolutely brutal for him.  When he passed on April 17th, at that point it was a blessing bc of the pain and confusion he was in.  I experienced a time of relief myself.

I remember in the beginning the doctors and nurses telling me to take care of myself bc being a caretaker is hard.  I didn't believe them but you know what?  It's freaking hard.  Some days I thought I was losing my mind.  Most days actually.  Anyway, today is hard.  I'm not an anniversary type person but this has been knocking me for a loop for a few days now.  The strangest things trigger it and I just have to sit in it.  This is my reality.  I'm still doing the best I can.

Do you ever wonder what to do when a friend is grieving?  I never knew what to say or do either.  The thing that is clear to me is don't ask what your friend needs, just do something.  Anything.  Most people can't ask for what they need so just do something.  I know now that is what I'll do.  And until you go thru this you don't know.  I don't know why I am sharing this.  Maybe bc I treat this blog as a sort of life journal.  Some days I'm pretty dang ok and others horrible.  But again it's reality.  Thank you for listening and for all the love, kindness and grace you've extended me through this v difficult time.  x

Everlane Blazer and Editor Boot Review

Good morning lovelies.  I feel so put together and am so not used to that.  This blazer and boot combo is sorta magical.  The blazer is the first new piece of outerwear in my wardrobe in like forever.  Everlane asked if I'd be interested in reviewing it and the boots and I was ever so happy to do so.

Just look at this Editor Boot.  I hate to use the word sexy but it kinda is, in an old lady way.  It's no stiletto (thank God) but it is sleek and so comfortable.  They say it runs narrow but it feels normal to me.  I'm a 7 and these are 7's.  They feel like I'm walking in flats.  They come in black, bone and this chocolate suede.  Each pair is hand crafted in Italy at this factory that has 32 employees.  So this is a special pair of boots.

This Oversized Double Breasted Blazer was something that has really surprised me.  I didn't think I was in the market for a blazer but I remember taking notes on my wardrobe last winter and writing that it would be nice to have something warm to wear that wasn't a full length coat.  This is it.  So cute, warm, beautifully tailored and stylish.  What's not to love?

I'm wearing it with this Classic White Oxford from American Apparel and a pair of black high rise skinnies.  Oh and my vintage Gucci handbag.  I feel like I should be doing something really important rather than a trip to Trader Joes.  x

PS - Huge Choose What you Pay Sale going on Now

Lots of pretty things...

summer to fall

One of my favorite ways to extend my summer is to keep wearing summer dresses but with fall touches like this sweater.  Some other here here.  This is a 90s Ralph Lauren dress I picked up at a local vintage store here in Redlands called Rust Vintage Denim.  Marianne is the owner and her shop is in between my house and my market so my car has a tendency to stop there, I'll have to ask my mechanic why it keeps doing that? Her prices are insanely good (this dress was $20).  So if you find yourself in my lovely little town, def check her out.

This year is no different and I love the idea of a sweater because Fall is notorious for fickle weather.  Pair that with nice daytime temps and the fact that everyone is still blasting air conditioning and it's freezing inside.

Once winter hits the jeans come out and I rarely wear my dresses so this extends their life a little.  Problemo solved. x

3 ingredient cookie

Worlds easiest cookie.

2 cups oats
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup maple syrup

In a saucepan combine...

Peanut butter with maple syrup.  Heat and stir til blended.

Add to oats and form into small cookies or even roll into balls, place on cookie sheet and freeze.



PS - thanks a million to all who gave input into my grainy photo situation.  I may have it figured out...fingers crossed.

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