on grief

My grief began before my husband passed away, it began at his diagnosis.  Today is the 6 mo mark of him passing away so I've been grieving now for 1 year and 8 months.  When I see that face up there I want to cry bc I miss it so much.  Prior to his diagnosis his only symptom was heartburn.  He was the fittest man I've ever known.  He was a natural born athlete and excelled at every sport imaginable.

You see the night of his diagnosis he was very out of it bc he'd been sedated most of the day while he underwent testing.  He was awake but not fully aware when the doctor came into his room at midnight and told us he had what appeared to be 4th stage esophageal cancer that had spread to his liver and lymph nodes.  I was devastated but he did not hear that, or maybe he did, I don't know.  My guess is no bc the next morning he said aren't you glad you didn't tell the kids I was in the hospital?  I don't have cancer but we'll figure out what's wrong with me.  I held the diagnosis secret, not telling anyone, for over a month until we went to the oncologist for the official review of tests.  At that point that was the longest month I'd ever experienced.  But tbh not much changed when he received the diagnosis.  He knew he had cancer with a minuscule chance of survival but he never once thought he wouldn't beat it.  Even while on hospice he never not once thought he was dying.  This was really good and hard at the same time.  It was a complete denial of reality that he lived in and I was sort of living in it too only I could see his reality.  The doctors and nurses could see it.  Everyone closely related could see it but most everyone began to believe he'd beat it bc he was adamant, strong and fought so fucking hard.

Most days were unbearable watching him suffer so much.  I withdrew from almost everything and everyone in my life which is not a good idea.  But I was just doing the best I could.  The last month was brutal, absolutely brutal for him.  When he passed on April 17th, at that point it was a blessing bc of the pain and confusion he was in.  I experienced a time of relief myself.

I remember in the beginning the doctors and nurses telling me to take care of myself bc being a caretaker is hard.  I didn't believe them but you know what?  It's freaking hard.  Some days I thought I was losing my mind.  Most days actually.  Anyway, today is hard.  I'm not an anniversary type person but this has been knocking me for a loop for a few days now.  The strangest things trigger it and I just have to sit in it.  This is my reality.  I'm still doing the best I can.

Do you ever wonder what to do when a friend is grieving?  I never knew what to say or do either.  The thing that is clear to me is don't ask what your friend needs, just do something.  Anything.  Most people can't ask for what they need so just do something.  I know now that is what I'll do.  And until you go thru this you don't know.  I don't know why I am sharing this.  Maybe bc I treat this blog as a sort of life journal.  Some days I'm pretty dang ok and others horrible.  But again it's reality.  Thank you for listening and for all the love, kindness and grace you've extended me through this v difficult time.  x