Continuing on with the subject of gratitude, here are 3 links from around the internet that I hope you enjoy. They are all very different from each other but at the heart of each is gratitude.
This first link is a beautiful video from Thailand that speaks to giving and will capture your heart in a big way. Watch here and see if your heart is not softened in ways you never imagined. Mine was.
The next piece is from the Huffington Post. It's an essay on having enough, keeping up and gratitude. I know over the years you all have gotten to know me but I've gotten to know you too. She puts into perfect words what we have all been thinking. Read the piece here and get some relief and inspiration. All I can say is Bravo!
The third link is one very close to my heart. It is the blog written by Charles Peabody. He also wrote the book by the same name, The Privileged Addict, which you can buy here on Amazon. As someone who has struggled greatly with being a parent of an addict. I really cannot put into words the help and relief and education I've received from his writings. Charlie, if you ever read this then know that your tireless writing and dedication to the subject of addiction has helped me immensely. This post in particular is a lifesaver. He is brutally honest and shines a bright beaming light of truth and knowledge on a very confusing subject. If you know anyone who struggles with addiction or is in any way affected by it, please click over and or buy his book, his story is incredible.
Have a beautiful relaxing weekend my friends, we are all in this together. x
I have only come across your blog in the last couple of months. I bookmarked it because I admire your personal style, lovely garden and pretty home. Well, today I read your lastest entry and holy crap I feel you wrote it for me! I have an adult child that is currently neck deep in an addiction. My fear of her drowning is overwhelming. I am familiar with the 12 step program having immersed myself years ago to deal with my own addictions, however I have left it behind (as far as meetings) after making the changes needed. Through years of AA and counselling I felt like I had got it back together. Only to have this child o' mine blow holes in the having it back together theory. So far from it actually. If there has been wrong paths to take to 'help' her, I've taken them. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the link to Charles Peabody's blog. I intend to hunt down his book. Truly thanks.
ReplyDeletedear anon thank you for your honest and open comment. it truly is like trying to save someone from drowning but they won't grab the life preserver. i'm glad you plan to get his book b/c it will help you so much in understanding our role as parents. thanks again.
DeleteAwesome Janet! I'm drying my eyes, and that's from good tears. Very pertinent and timely for me. Melanie
ReplyDeletethank you melanie. that thai video makes me cry each time i watch it which is often b/c it is so powerful. x
DeleteDearest Janet....did you read my post this morning? We're always on the same wave, aren't we..... More than once you have uplifted me and gave me the courage to know I am not alone. thanks for these sites. it helps if we all share resources, time and mostly our hearts. ♥
ReplyDeletei did read your post and we are always on the same wavelength! i've emailed you dear sarah. we need to stay connected. x
DeleteThank you, I have a husband who spends his entire week at meetings. It can be a very lonely life.
ReplyDeletedear anon. that must be frustrating too. maybe you can go to the open speaker meetings with him? or to alanon? i'm glad he is sober tho. take care. x
DeleteDear Janet, I need this. After watching the news and all of the horrors happening around the world and locally I have been feeling a bit depressed. This is the world I brought my daughter into and I struggle with the fear that the violence and atrocities are only getting worse. When you can't even send your child to school without thoughts of gunmen targeting them or going into a movie theatre without the thought of someone seeking to harm as many people as possible in there ... it is so sad.
ReplyDeleteIt's an effort to try to be optimistic but I will not stop trying to be positive. You have to right? The Thai video is awesome. Thank you for this post.
thank you anon. our world is truly become a scary place. it takes a concentrated effort to be positive through ugly things. it takes real work. some days are better than others. i say keep it up and being positive even in our own little world creates peace and beauty for those closest to us. x
DeleteThank you for sharing these links! Addiction played a roll in my birth family when I was growing up and has played a part in my current life as a parent. I work on gratitude every day. I must figure out why I've been missing your posts!! xo
ReplyDeleteI would add I just finished reading "The Anonymous Press Mini Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous", It was wonderfully helpful. Meditation is helping, but I must crack the whip on my negative inner dialogue almost hourly! We are all truly works in progress...thanks for sharing and encouraging us all to examine ourselves. Much love ~J
Deleteyou are welcome jennifer. i'm sorry you are in this club of sorts. :( i will look for that mini press addition. meditation helps me so much. it's harder to do when in the midst of a storm but i know it is my salvation.
DeletePowerful and beautiful. Thank you Janet xo
ReplyDeleteyou are most welcome claire. x
DeleteAll three links - beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteyes, i agree, they are. x
DeleteI have always loved your posts about living within your means and finding joy not in " new things" but in the reinvention of loved objects, nature and life itself. You are an amazing woman and I wish you the very best through this difficult time in your life and thank you so much for these inspirational links! Janie
ReplyDeletethank you janie. it's those things you mention that help me keep my focus on all the gifts i have in my life if i just focus on them. x
DeleteAwesome! Loved the essay but especially the Thai video. Thanks for sharing and have a great weekend. (try to keep cool :/)
ReplyDeleteLinda
xo
thanks linda. :)
DeleteAs I set to work for my weekly cleaning of our master bath (in my air conditioned house), I will not grumble and think hostile thoughts -- like why don't I use a housekeeper -- I will be grateful that I have a lovely bathroom to clean and that the money I save on hiring a housekeeper can be put toward working out with a trainer. So spoiled. So very, very grateful.
ReplyDeleteyes, i know exactly what you mean marla. i am spoiled too...and very grateful. x
Deletevery nice :)
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to have found your blog, quite some time ago now! So often you speak to my heart. All three of these links are so worthy of reading/watching. Thank you for sharing them. And, I hope your weekend is whatever you wish it to be.
ReplyDeletethank you for reading kathy. x
DeleteDear Janet,
ReplyDeleteHaving a loved one who is an addict is an ongoing nightmare of concern and constant worry. My husband's cousin's son became addicted in his teenage years after a family tragedy. He struggled for some years with it - and his family tried so hard to help him. There is nothing like the terrible feeling of helplessness families have when dealing with incurable illness or addiction. All you can do really is ensure they have the best access to good supportive medical care and that they know they have your unconditional love and support always. At the same time you need to take great care of the other members of your family and yourself when you're faced with a trauma that never goes away. I admire all you're doing to come to terms with these terrible problems and to enable you to achieve a measure of peace and equilibrium and as much happiness as possible under these conditions. I'm sure your garden is therapeutic and probably your blog too. I'm sure also that by sharing - by being as open and honest as you've been, you're helping others in similar situations - people feel less alone when they know there are others like themselves. Warmest wishes, Pammie xxx
thank you pammie. yes, you are right. my garden especially is a life saver. but lots of things in my life are so beautiful that when i focus on them, my other problems seems much smaller. i've tried to be open and honest and now all my "secrets" are out there! my wish is that someone in need can find hope in charles' blog and book and to no longer hide in shame. x
DeleteThank you for link #3. This enabling parent is learning....but still making mistakes. The guilt is stifling, overwhelming, crippling. Thank you for posting this link....typing in tears. Lori
ReplyDeleteyou are welcome lor. i'm still making mistakes too. getting better but still making them. i wish you luck in your journey b/c that is what it is. we have to figure out this road for ourselves to live happy and productive lives despite this tragedy. x
DeleteThe enabling parent...was me. The book that made such a big difference for us (celebrating nine years sober for him this winter!!!) was Love First by Jeff and Debra Jay. It jumped out at me as I walked past it at the local library. And I saw that my son and I had been in a dance for nearly all his life, with me as his enabler. Only I had progressed to active enabling just a couple years prior to that point and didn't know enough to understand our dance. I have to share....a few weeks after I read Love First, my son and I were in the kitchen and he was confiding in me about something, as he always did, we were and are very close.....and I responded, "I'm confident you'll make a good decision about that," and went on with my cooking. He stopped midstream and said, "Hey, something's different. You're acting different." It was funny that such a slight change in "the dance" was so obvious to him.
DeleteFor us, thank you to all that is love in this universe, he went sober completely on his own a few months later. He didn't even tell me for a while because he wanted to be sure.
We *are* all in this together, even if "this" only means life. I didn't know about your child - I am so sorry and admire so the gentle tone you keep to here. Much love to you.
ReplyDeletethank you lisa. this disease has humbled me and taught me more about compassion than i thought possible. we are truly all in this together. x
DeleteI am the mother of a recovering addict. My beautiful intelligent daughter has taken us places I never imagined we would go. She is doing extremely well now but her addiciton has left ius with huge debt. I have enevr even smoked a cigarette or been drunk and yet I had to learn about this terrible disease the hard way. Lots of denial and enabling but finally strength and peace. And yes only three or four people outised our family know anything about what we went through. Too much shame and fear of judgement. I hope your child recovers-it is possible. Just keep on loving him but take care of you!
Deleteso happy to hear your daughter is doing well! success stories are few and far between with this disease. there is always hope! x
DeleteSorry to post twice! Just read the blog from the second link about gratitude, and it made me think of this Swedish proverb I just ran across:
ReplyDelete"He who buys what he does not need,
Steals from himself."
Fits to perfection per my Perspectacles.
perfect!
DeleteI can't tell you how much that comment you made...we're all in this together...helped me feel better. I'd love to chat over a cup of tea.
ReplyDeletethank you and yes, i'd love to also!
DeleteAfter I read the Huff Post piece, I welled up. Thanks for the link, Janet. I was prompted to remember something...
ReplyDeleteThere was the dearest elderly lady at a nursing home. She would talk to me about life on the farm, as a young girl in her parents' home and then as a young wife in her own. Never tiring of the routine...she had such a glow in her face in the remembering of it...she baked the bread, sowed the seeds, picked the fruit, pumped the water, fetched the eggs, milked the cow, nursed her babies (and so on, and so on). It was obviously among the happiest times of her life for as hard as the work was when there were few conveniences. Then, I had one in a series of aunts who, due to a set of tragic circumstances, wound up with a not-so-great life as years went by...yet, in her 80s, could speak with such warmth and pleasure of being at her mother's side well into her 20s, cooking for the farmhands and her many brothers on the wood stove, putting up food for the winter during canning time, opening the house in spring to air the beds of winter 'stink'...and wash the linens and curtains, hauling water by hand from the creek, pouring it into huge cauldrons to boil and clean (and then they ironed all that cotton, with large, heavy irons). Third lady of influence - - my mother-in-law...not a contented person...but who could break out in rare smiles, reminiscing of summers on her grandparents' farm, not because it was some kind of lazy vacation time, because it wasn't...this was a working farm...but I think more because the work was teamwork, it gave a feeling of accomplishment; it was survival, so everything they did was purposeful and important. Because of that, it was satisfying and fulfilling. What all the ladies spoke of, in common, were earlier times of hard physical labor, full and tiring days, remembered fondly...wholesome, productive, active work, yet a simple life...and the best life. Oh, and church on Sunday; social time, going to town; potluck picnics after services. Day of thanks and gratitude but also rest for the weary. All in good balance. I didn't hear one word of complaining in the oral histories. Curiously, nothing about wanting to break free, break out, seek personal freedom. It's just so different from me and some of my peers/my generation. Makes me question things...
Vicki, what a splendid comment, my mother lost her father and two brothers in the war, went out to work (building engines for airplanes) for the first and only time, and still says it was the best time of her life, I think she found camaraderie and friendship through work and felt much more fulfilled working than just staying at home raising a family.
DeleteMy father was badly wounded and spent most of his life bedridden but had good days in between, he never complained nor even mentioned his daily suffering or what he had gone through.
Mum's generation - she's 91 now and her parents et al before, - well they were Stoics weren't they?
They just got on with it - the pursuit of 'happiness' belongs to our generation.
Tabitha
i so agree with both of you. my friend miss doris often spoke of her early life together with her husband making their way and how they had nothing and yet it was the happiest times of their lives. they led lives with purpose and i think that maybe lacking in my own life right now. i've found myself somewhat off the rails lately. time to get back on track. much love to you both.
DeleteThis post really came at the right time for me. These links were more helpful than you will ever know. It must have been serendipity, when I found your blog sometime ago. Thank you, Janet! Words cannot describe how much I treasure this blog.
ReplyDeleteOn another note ... after reading through some reply's on your previous post, I could not help but become confused by "anonymous" who mentioned something about you being "selfish." This irritated me and I would like to rebuke: A.) This is your blog. And, B.) I had just finished listening to a couple of very good podcasts on "The Moth" radio hour. (For anyone not familiar with "The Moth" it is basically storytelling, from all socio-economic backgrounds, which enlighten us and challenge us to see things in new ways.) So, I was thinking that this "Anonymous" response as I listened to these two distinctively different stories - one about a man who survived disaster at the nuclear power plant in Fukushima, and another about a suburban mother who served time in prison - and as I listened, I noticed one commonality: they both used the word "I" a lot. And rightly so. It was their story. So this blog is your story. And, as human beings, since before the time of Shakespeare, when cavemen were drawing on walls, we have been telling our stories. It is how we learn, connect, and grow. So I am thankful for this blog, the Internet, and all the other stories out there which I am able to listen to, read, watch and learn from. My only hope is that "Anonymous" will find something better to do with her time. Perhaps she needs to work on her own story.
Deletethank you michelle for both comments. yes, i agree in that i'm not sure how i'd write a blog about life without mentioning me. i just mentioned myself 4 times in that last sentence. maybe anon can give me some ideas? or maybe i'll keep going as is. :)
DeleteThanks for this kind comment Michelle. I didn't quite know how to comfort them both.
DeleteYou never cease to inspire. Lovely post and thought provoking links. Rosanne
ReplyDeletethank you rosanne. x
DeleteJanet, I thank you for sharing such inspiration as you always do. Living life with a loved one battling addiction is...well...there are no words to describe it, and for anyone who has not experienced it, understanding if often far-fetched.
ReplyDeleteAwareness can bring change, though. Education changes the world.
xoxo
-Suzanne in Illinois
unfortunately it is a disease that you have to experience to truly understand it and then the understanding is still hard. i agree education, true education about it can change it. x
DeleteJanet you've ben much on my mind of late, I wonder if you could sense this?
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better. I loved all these links, esp the Huff post one xxxx
thanks for your email. the huff piece is one in a million!
DeleteOh, Janet. I've only watched the video so far. Will connect to the other two things later on. Gotta get some tissues. You have shared in this blog about being "down", "blue" from time to time. Same here. Thanks for sharing about yourself and this wonderful post today. It helps. Really does. Good tears. so
ReplyDeleteElle
thanks elle!
DeleteJanet,
ReplyDeleteI did not read your post in it's entirety until today...(was in a hurry the first time and mainly looked at the video and Huffington Post article)
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a child that has an addiction. I had no idea... My best friend from high school has a 26 year old son who has been battling addiction since he was in 8th grade. Started with pot, then it was Oxycontin... and now has moved on to heroin. I just saw her recently and it's really starting to take it's toll on her and the family. On top of everything else, her husband has a chronic medical condition and can no longer work. She has a stressful job as well. She started running marathons a couple years ago as an outlet for her stress. I've told her that she is the strongest person I know, but now after reading your post again I just added you to that list.
I would tell you to take care of yourself, but I know you are pretty good already at doing that.
Hang in there my friend.
Linda
xo
thanks linda. i can agree, it def takes a toll on everyone in the family. it is a chronic illness with very little compassion attached to it. i do my best to take care of myself physically but the emotional side i'm a little weak on but getting better and better every day. thanks. x
DeleteLovely and helpful -- just like you. ;-}
ReplyDeleteI so hope you can feel the love and thankfulness coming to you in all of these comments. If you ever wonder why you created and maintain this blog, just come back here and read the comments.
thank you anon. yes, i do feel the love here. the comments are and have always been the best part of this blog. x
DeleteJanet, I don't want 'to break the spell' of this wonderful post of yours but could I be permitted a huge segue, one that perhaps will put a little smile on your face...because it speaks to your discovery/endorsement about olive oil as a skin/haircare product: Jerry Hall, big-time model and former wife of Mick Jagger, wrote a piece yesterday for the Daily Mail Online which I read sometimes for fun; it can tend to be a gossipy rag and has been blasted, recently by George Clooney, for printing falsehoods. Anyway, long-blonde-haired Jerry Hall looks fab in her fifties and was giving beauty tips, one of which was handed down by her mom: "My hair takes a lot of punishment from hot rollers and curling tongs, but olive oil keeps it beautifully shiny. On Sunday nights, I massage it in, tuck my hair under a shower cap, tie a scarf over it and leave it as long as I can. Overnight is ideal, but it CAN stain pillow cases, so I tend to let it soak in while watching a film before washing it out using Philip Kingsley's shampoos and conditioners." Ha! A believer! Reminds me of my own mom occasionally slathering her hands with her modestly-priced face cream, then encasing them in the proverbial white cotton gloves overnight while sleeping. More things of the simpler side of life...
ReplyDeleteah vicki i didn't know that about jerry hall. i do remember reading years ago that cher used olive oil on her hair and face too. i still use it every single day and love it!
DeleteAnother beautiful post. Thank you Janet for reminding me to be grateful.
ReplyDeletethank you and you are welcome wanda. x
DeleteHi Janet, I have been a reader of your blog for sometime now and I always enjoy your posts. Your last post regarding struggling as the parent of an addict struck a cord with me. I truly understand the stress and pain and confusion that comes with having an addicted child. My son is now 30 and is struggling. His battle has changed our family in so many ways but we are still there for him and remind him that he is so much more than "an addict" to us, his life and his presence in our life is so precious.......we pray that he will recover one day and begin to enjoy his life. Addiction is a chronic illness but there is still little understanding and sympathy for someone who is battling this horrible disease. I think as a mother there is nothing more painful than watching your child do battle with something that you cannot fix for them.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your son recovers.
gosh you know exactly what i'm talking about and going through anon. i hope and pray that your son recovers too. every single word you typed is so true. x
DeleteIf you ever want to discuss our shared experiences in more detail please provide me with your email and I will send you my coordinates as well. I have come to understand that it really helps to share with someone going through the same experiences!! Like you I am an avid gardener....I have an English style garden and working in my garden has provided me with a feeling of serenity that I hae need to escape the chaos of dealing with many of the issues concerning addiction. Your garden is lovely and I am sure like me you find it an escape.
Deletejanetkorff@gmail.com :)
Delete"His battle has changed our family in so many ways but we are still there for him and remind him that he is so much more than "an addict" to us, his life and his presence in our life is so precious."
DeleteThank you for posting this Anon, it was just what I needed to hear. We are struggling with an addicted family member and sometimes I feel trapped in a storm of emotions. It's is so important to remember there is a person deserving of compassion and love trapped inside the addiction.
I've not been in your shoes, but I have been an out of control son. My issues weren't with addiction. Just generally being a total dumbass. Nonetheless, I know my parents (especially my mother) lost a lot of sleep on my account. After the worst of my escapades (involving an embellished dickie ((Christmas party)), ballet, and a police officer), I decided to change. It took a year or so to shed my old skin, but the changes happened in the blink of an eye. I realize it sort of sounds like I'm comparing apples to oranges. I know addiction is a monster all its own. But I do firmly believe anyone is capable of starting anew.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you're ever having a genuinely awful day and would like to hear my ridiculous story--let me know. It's been long enough now that it's 80% hilarious and only stings about 20%.
thank you Stephen Andrew. i would love to know your story. something tells me it'd be a good one. :) thanks for sharing and i'm sure your mom is very proud of the person you have become. i am and i don't even really know you! x
DeleteI too have a 30 year old son who is struggling with addiction, and all along I have known that nothing man made could fix him. I do know that with love of our Lord, Jesus Christ, all things are possible and that my son can be cured of his addictions. I am praying for this miracle. And in the interim, I am reading 'the Privileged Addict' blog, and ordered 2 of his books today... Thank you Janet for sounding out for us your struggle with this issue, and....introducing me to Charlies blog. It is another God send in the midst of my praying for a miracle.
ReplyDeleteyou are welcome liz and don't you love charlie's blog? i love his brutal honesty. i think that has helped me so much. it has stopped my obsessing over feeling guilty and also with the idea that i can fix him. i wish you much love and peace with your son's addiction. we are all in this together. x
Deleteand thank you again Janet for introducing me to his blog, it was truly a God send. It is helping release me of so many what if's and like you said " obsessing over feeling guilty." I send you love and blessings. Have a peace filled week!
DeleteRead the HuffPo article - going to look at the other now. Loved it. I have a "dated" kitchen and loved it fine until a pal who'd just renovated (and has a crapload of debt - which I might add - I don't) came over and told me all the things i should change and how she loved her granite and all that shit. Ugh. I hated that I suddenly saw it differently suddenly. I know it's dated, but I didn't see that and it affected my gratitude for a while. So I stopped looking at pinterest a while and started liking it again. haha. Now I am staying off the internet. It just makes me covet. haha. xo
ReplyDeletei know what you mean terri! since i've read that article i look at everything differently. i think my internet days are numbered too. :)
DeleteTerri, my kitchen needs updating but it has some charm to it. Still the original cabinets and tile from 1948. How many people have these nice new kitchens but don't cook? My kitchen might be lacking aesthetically but it functions fine. Like my husband said it's more important what food and great meals come out of the kitchen!
DeleteLinda
We renovated our kitchen a few years ago and our bathroom this year. Nothing fancy and we paid for it in cash. They didn't look too bad but there was a lot of mildew in and under the cabinets. Previous owners didn't take care of it like we do. I have asthma so couldn't live with the mildew. So many people tried to tell us to make all these grand changes, but we were firm in staying within our budget and we have a lovely kitchen and bath that are paid for in full.
DeleteDear Janet, Thank you so much for this post! My husband and I are struggling everyday with an addicted son. The torment we are in is almost beyond endurance. We both feel we are nearing nervous breakdown or physical collapse. I have looked at the link you provided.The first words struck me," To hold an addict's hand is to cripple and paralyze them." These words I believe to be true. I say similar to my husband everyday as he rushes off to do yet another thing at my Son's request. I am ordering the book from Amazon today. I pray something in it helps us all.`
ReplyDeletedear anon i can feel and relate to the pain of your words so well. i understand beyond endurance, nervous break down and physical collapse all to well. it is totally overwhelming and hard to truly understand unless you are in this situation. i feel there so much you can get from charlie's blog and book. it has helped me beyond measure. i will pray for you and for all the others who have left comments with addicted children. try and stay strong and take care of yourselves first. x
DeleteJanet, consider this a really tight virtual hug.
ReplyDelete<3,
~diane
thanks diane. xo
DeleteNow you know what I'm reading this afternoon :) Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend, Janet.
ReplyDeleteIt must be like living with a child with severe mentall illness, it has affected everyone - the violence associated with it too . But what do you do ? You can't cast them out
ReplyDeleteReading this post came to me at the most perfect time. As always Janet, thank you for sharing and discussing great subject matters.
ReplyDeleteI like the quote you provided. My husband works with severely disabled young adults. When he first started working with them he wondered why God would make them that way. He came to understand that they were teaching him about tolerance and understanding. He thinks of them as his angels here on earth and treasures his time with them.
ReplyDeleteJanet, never give up hope. My beautiful,college educated, kind, funny, middle son, lost his battle with pill addiction six years ago. He was only twenty seven years old. We all have suffered immense guilt and pain that we did not know the extent of his problem. I look forward to seeing him again in heaven. John, I love you. Mom
ReplyDeleteI always feel inspired when I visit you. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are right. We are in this together.
ReplyDeleteI've stopped by your blog over the past year or two, and even though I have enjoyed so many of your posts, I have never commented. I just had to today. In the spring of 2013, I discovered that my husband was an addict. I had known that something was very wrong in the years leading up to my discovery, but I just didn't know what exactly it was. He hid his drug use from me. But I saw the ugly symptoms. My home was filled with crazy behavior that I could not comprehend. My defense mechanism during this time was to completely shut down all emotion. I completely focused on doing only the things that were necessary for survival. I went to work, cooked meals, did laundry, cared for my babies, and tried to understand where all our money was going while dodging calls from collectors. I didn't cry very much, but I didn't laugh very much either. I couldn't feel anything.
Then, I discovered his secret. And things began to make sense. By the time I found out, he was in a full-blown heroin addiction. I staged an intervention. I set up boundaries in my home. I began to feel strong emotions again...in fact, I couldn't stop crying. But I welcomed it because it had been a long time coming. He began a wonderful, solid recovery that July that lasted 7 months. Then I navigated my first relapse with him. It was a rough spring, but currently he is 94 days clean. I have learned so much about this disease and the process of recovery. I have made it my goal to learn from my mistakes and never go back to any enabling behavior that I am aware of in my life. It's very difficult to do. I still love him so very much, and I pray each day for his continued recovery and healing.
The two things that have been most helpful to me that I have learned through this experience are that being firm with the boundaries that protect me and my sons is not unloving to my husband. In fact, whenever I stand between him and his consequences I am being unloving to him. The only true way to love him is to allow him to face his consequences and be firm with my boundaries. It's really the only thing I can give him besides prayer... and lots of support and grace when he chooses recovery. The other thing I've learned is that darkness breeds darkness. When I first thought that he was smoking marijuana five years ago, I told him I wasn't okay with it and that it needed to stop, and I didn't tell another soul. When all the crazy was happening in my home, I kept it to myself. What I didn't realize is that addiction thrives in the dark. I don't tell my story to every person I meet, but I am also not ashamed of my situation, and I am willing to tell people who I trust or who I think I can help or support. There are some people who will judge, but the majority have compassion. The light is a great weapon in this war. My husband has realized that, too. He is much more open to telling people his story this time around. The more people to keep him accountable, the better.
This is all by the grace of God. He has carried me through. He has allowed this pain in my life so I could feel His presence again, and His power is the only thing that can save an addict. But the addict has to accept the healing and surrender to Him.
I'm sorry for such a long comment. I've kept so much inside for so long, now it just kind of seeps out and I can't stop myself. :)
Please know that I will be praying for you and your son. It truly is a battle, and you are in a war zone. I commend you and thank you for sharing part of your story. The more that is in the light, the better we will be.
Raquel
Dear Raquel,
DeleteThank you for leaving your comment. I think the sentences re being firm in your boundaries are invaluable to people in our position. It is counter-intuitive to being a mother or a loving spouse but it is so necessary. I think that has been our biggest mistake by far. We've been at this for a great deal longer than you and so the damage of all that enabling is quite large. We have learned to say no and are being put to the test as I type. I don't know what I'd do without my faith in God and the Universe. I too will be praying for you and all everyone who has left comments. It's overwhelming at times but prayer has saved me. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for your kind response and your prayers.
DeleteRaquel
Do you know Anne Lamott? She just wrote something very relevant to this on Facebook this morning. I would link it but I don't want to get marked as spam :) xo Jana
ReplyDeleteHow is your son ?
ReplyDelete10 days clean at the moment.
Delete